TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed in the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully from position. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But Indeed, positive, let's have One more put where by American Adult men can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although past negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide Every person a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It's that he really should cease making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the task, replied, "You recognize, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from Place, a characteristic being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following locating the creating's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not simply ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Capabilities


Probably the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over Trump Tower Damascus the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge where my PTSD might have transform-down services."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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